Hello and welcome to church online with Mission Grove. Now, it's my privilege and honor to introduce you to one of my friends and one of my church planting coaches, Bill Bush. Bill is the lead pastor of Rock Point Church located in Queen Creek Arizona. He has served many years in ministry and that their church is about to move into a brand new building. So they started out in a school and then they moved into their first facility and now they're opening a brand new building right here on the other side of this crisis. And so you're gonna hear a snippet of my interview with Bill, but then you're also gonna hear one of his messages that he shared recently with their church family. And so I wanna just personally thank Bill for his investment in me as well as I wanna thank Rock Point Church as a part of our church planting network vision, Arizona, which is the local expression of the national network called Converge. They have provided financial resources. They have provided a physical resource that we borrowed equipment from them. They sent their worship team down. Uh and then Bill's son, Jaden even served for a good season with us in our kids ministry. And so thank you so much to Bill. Thank you so much to Rock Point Church for all that they've done and continue to do to support our church family here at Mission Grove. And so you're gonna enjoy this interview I had with him and then I know you're gonna enjoy this message that he's gonna share about handling difficult conversations and relationships in the middle of this quarantine. God bless and make sure you join us next week as I'm launching a brand new series based out of Psalm chapter 23 Bill. Thank you so much for joining us today. Uh Starting off, let me just check in and see how, how are you doing, my friend? Hey, I'm doing well, man. I'm, I'm ready for this. Uh A time of only doing church the way we're doing this conversation right now. I'm ready for it to kind of be over with and be back in and, and get back together and regather with the church. That's for sure. Where does your heart for planting churches and developing leaders come from? Well, I think the the heart for planting churches came from, um just my, my, my love to see people come to know Jesus and I, I never really had an intent to plant a church until I started to discover that new churches kind of reach new people at a much higher rate. Per capita. It's just just when you're in a new area, people are moving new, they're open, they like to be a part of something new. And, and when I discovered that uh church plants tend to reach more people uh sold, I wanted to be a part of it. And, and then the part about pouring into leaders is I think I just had that model, I've had had people uh pour into me. Um I know you probably are, have already had one of my best mentors Lynn winners with you already. Uh That guy just showed me the way. I mean, he, he felt like, hey, if you, if God has blessed you, you, you help the next generation and you know, so he was of lost causes and pouring into me as a clueless kid. So I thought I would find a lost cause like you and uh where I'm, I'm just kidding there. But no, I just, I want to do the same thing and, and you know, we basically what Lynn I do and, and others in my life is, hey, climb on my shoulders. Why don't you start at a higher level? Because what I've already gone through and I just love doing it. I love being a part of helping and any way we can move the ball forward in the kingdom of God. So, yeah, we're super grateful uh for everything from sending those praise teams to helping out in ministries. To our coaching sessions. Uh We've, we've benefited from that. So thank you for really passing on the blessing that um it is helping us launch at a stronger and higher rate. Let me also just say one thing too that you and your congregation is like, I've benefited too one of the other things like what you said you've benefited from us being there, but you know, being involved in connecting with you and, and hearing what you're going through kind of in a sense keeps me young, young is a leader fresh. Like what is really happening um out there with you like trying to just start this church and it kind of keeps keeps the fire lit for me. So I wanted you too, John for, for just allowing me to be part of this for today and with our congregation here at Mission Grove, we're about to jump in and watch a message that you shared from a series entitled Lose the Fight. You're talking all about quarreling and quarantine uh just to give us a little set up for what we're about to watch. Why? Why do you think it's it's easier or common for people to get into conflict and fights during times of crisis? You know, II I think it's easy because you know, you got the heightened uh emotion, the adrenaline, the fears, you know, there's a, there's a lot of that going on and I think what happens is crisis, pressure it, it, it reveals weakness, so it'll reveal spot. So when you got a lot of crisis going on in any relationship you have, it'll reveal any kind of weak spot. You have anything when things are just going well, you just kind of go through the motions and you just assume everything's good. But all of a sudden you get a little pressure, you get a little bit of tension on that and, and, and things start to cheer. You start to creak and, and, and you feel the dam about to break as I'll talk about in the message and, and I think what we have that happen and then I also think we are worried about so many other things that we just drop our guard and, and it is so easy to end up having conflict with the people. You're the closest because we have all that tension, the weak spots and our guard, it, it, it is, is just, it's easy. And so it's, it's always there. And so how do we kind of alleviate that? And that's why I call it, lose the fight as you'll see is like, hey, it's not, you give up. It's just how do you manage conflict without it becoming a fight? And, and it is hard. It, you'll see by my opening story. II, I kind of blew it off big time. Well, well, I've seen the message in, in preparation and, and I've, I've gleaned a lot from that. And which is why I want to share this and connect you with our church family. And uh just if you're watching this really lean in tune in uh and, and look out for these words, combat boots, running, and hiking boots. So that's gonna make a lot more sense when you watch this message. Thank you so much, Bill for sharing your time and your message with us for praying for you and for Rock Point Church and church family, you are gonna enjoy this message. So make sure you take lots of notes and get ready to learn how to lose the fight. Well, hey, there, you know, I'm often asked a question about preaching and people ask me, they go, hey, Bill, do you think you're just good at coming up with, with illustrations because you're a pastor or do you think things actually happen to you because you're a pastor? And I just end up having stories? Well, sadly or painfully, I think it's more of the latter I think because I'm in ministry because I'm a teaching pastor. It seems like every time I am teaching on something, something happens that relates to it. So you can, you know that I kind of came into this series a little bit fearful as we're gonna start talking about conflict and and how to lose a fight quarreling in quarantine. And you know, same thing happened. I was just sitting there preparing for my message and I was even thinking, you know, this is probably a great topic. People have been stuck together and sometimes when you're together, even if you love each other, it's a, there's more opportunity for conflict. And I was just thinking, you know, I'm, I've been married, it'll be 28 years in a couple of weeks and my wife and I really don't fight a whole lot anymore. We haven't fought in a long time. Famous last thoughts because as I was studying for this topic, I, I noticed something that I thought was a good principle that I, that I thought this is a great principle. I, I was noticing on social media that, that I, I found it interesting that people will just polarize in, in, in their opinions about stuff and they'll take any issue, just an issue, like some issue, that's an important issue. But then people will take that and weaponize it and then polarize people by taking this extreme view. And so then when someone tries to respond, all I see on social media is people screaming at each other from extremes over an issue. And I thought to myself, you know, that happens in more ways than just social media. I see it in a lot of other areas. And I thought, you know, this is probably why people can't have any form of conflict resolution that when you disagree, why can't we get anywhere because we take an issue. It's an important issue. It's sitting there. But then I have a view, I have a view. I weaponized that view. And now everyone's polarized. I thought that was brilliant. So I walked out and my daughter, my oldest daughter was sitting there and my wife was sitting there and, and I started to wax on eloquently and pontificate about this great point and, and I was explaining it to them. And as I just said, what I, what I said here is I was trying to explain that very principle, this principle about how people try to manage conflict and how it's never gonna work. If you try to manage conflict by taking an issue and then weaponizing it and polarizing, you're never gonna get anywhere. And I thought it was a brilliant point. II I really kind of expected to hear well done Father Bravo. That is why you're a pastor. You are brilliant. I don't know. I'm probably not like that, but I kind of expected to, to, to, to have a good conversation and get told, hey, that's a good insight. But I didn't probably because I, I wished upon a star. I wish to the Holy God Almighty that I had explained my point as clearly as I just did, but somehow it didn't come out that way. So I tried to say my principle that people take an issue and weaponize it. It's not really about the issue. The problem is I brought up a specific issue that I saw it happening. So as I threw that out there, what I didn't realize is my wife reacted to the issue itself. And so she started to not give me the positive feedback. She started to kind of go, I don't think about that and I don't know. And, and then my daughter was jumping and it just kind of got a little bit weird. And next thing, you know, I'm thinking, wait, what, what's going on here? I thought I was saying something really cool and, and now I feel like I'm getting disagreed with and, and I'm getting disagreed pretty strongly with. And next thing, you know, I, I'm jumping and defending myself and I keep just digging in on. But how can you not agree with me about how people get polarized? And all of that I was stuck on this principle. Well, where my wife went with this discussion is her and my daughter were stuck on this actual issue that people are talking about. And so we're having a conversation that's a conflict, a difference in opinion and it's getting louder, a little bit louder now, a little bit louder now, a little bit loud and it's getting stronger and stronger. But the reality is we are starting to get into a fight and it turns into a fight and we're in a fight because we're actually talking about two different things. But because we have weaponized, our idea, we've now polarized which ironically enough I had just walked into and created the very scenario I was trying to say is what ruins people's ability to come together and manage conflict. See, that's, that, I don't know what to do with that. I was like, it got bad. I was like, I started to go what's going on and, and you'd think I could realize it, but I didn't realize it at the moment. So now I have my wife and then my daughter starts getting more vocal and you know what that does to me that makes me get even more like, ok, I'm getting ganged up on, I'm getting ganged up on what is going on here and, and, and as I'm trying to fight two against one and it's getting weird, I'm getting more vocal, I'm getting more bold and, and they're getting more like they didn't even really want to talk about this. So they try to pull away and not even have the conversation. I take that as judgment like you're so wrong. Dad is such a bad man that, that, that, that I get even more aggressive and then they get frustrated and then in the midst of all of that, all of a sudden my youngest daughter comes walking through the kitchen where we're at and, and kinda looks over at me and really us and, and gives the most disgusted judgmental look to, to, to, to us and, and at the time I took it to mean just me. I found out later, spoiler alert. She was thinking we were all stupid. But the problem is since it was girls, my daughter, she comes in, she looked at me, I made an assumption that now it's three against one and I got angry because now I'm not even worried about my principal anymore. Now I'm in a fight with my wife. And the real problem is I feel like I've been betrayed. I think I've been mis um identified. I think they're, they're judging me and thinking bad about me that I don't care about this issue, which I did. But I'm feeling like they don't think I care. They're making me look like and, and I felt like it's three against one and I felt like my wife had led my daughters into a rebellion against me and, and I got so frustrated. I finally just said that's it bad form. I cannot believe you guys. I can't believe this. I go, you will rue the day that you treated me like this. And then I stormed out into the garage to work out and I went out there and, you know, I'm not usually the one that runs away. I was just done. I was like, that's it. I'm done. I said my last thing and walked out really mad which by the way, bitterness, betrayal and anger are kind of pretty good fuels for burning carbs and fat because I burned a lot of calories in that workout. But side note, I wouldn't try it that way. But as I sat there working out forever, it's weird because I sat there thinking this, this is what I thought since I made it so clear, I was so angry. I literally sat in my garage just waiting for my wife to just come out and apologize. Didn't happen. This is why we're talking about this issue. You see what I, I know about my wife and I, we don't fight as often, but I realized it's not because we've evolved together to a level where we don't have conflicted moments. We don't have difference of opinions. We don't have these moments where there isn't potential conflict. We're just better at not stepping on the landmines and I stepped on the landmine there. You see, conflict is gonna happen. It's, it's, it's not like the longer you're together, the more it goes away. It's just the better you are at spotting a fight and stopping it before it happens. The you get better at learning to manage through it and to stay unified through it. But because we had been kind of around each other lots going on stuck, you know, working together over and over, it's just like I got caught off guard. And so it took my wife and I into a fight, pulled my daughters in and then a heaviness hung over the house. You see, even though we weren't fighting anymore. It seemed like the rest of the day we acted cordial, but just because we weren't fighting anymore, didn't mean we weren't still in a fight. And maybe that's you. Maybe that describes some relationships you have because I'm not, this, this, this couple of weeks series here isn't just about marriage. It's about any relationship and we're gonna look about how do we manage through this conflict and, and, and, and maybe that, that you're, you're there, maybe you're still in your garage over a fight over something over a disagreement over a conflict that was never dealt with. That goes back years. And so you're, you're, you're, you're, you know, kind of living in the garage state, so to speak. And yeah, you're, you're acting like things are ok, you're cordial to one another in your relationship, whether it's a work relationship, a family, a marriage, a fa you know, a parent, child, whatever it is, you act cordial when you see each other, you're not fighting but you're in a fight. So how do we manage through that? What do did we use? What do, what did I use and my wife and our family to get past this and that's really what we're gonna talk about today. And it's why we call this, the series Lose the Fight, you're like, lose the fight. Does that mean just cave in? No, here's the big idea we wanna discuss today. It's simply this, lose the fight to win the relationship. If, if I'm ever gonna get to the other side of conflict, like I said, conflict is inevitable. Fighting doesn't have to be so I have to choose to lose the fight to win the relationship. Now, I know that sounds like you're saying. So the way I win relationships is, I always just give up. It's not what we're talking about. We have to define what a fight is. So what do I mean, what does it mean? Lose a fight? Because what is a fight? A fight as I define it is in the Bible is different than just conflict. There's always gonna be moments where you disagree where you run in and you're like, hey, feelings are hurt, opinions are different. There's attitudes, there's stuff that's always gonna happen, but you don't have to always have a fight. What do I mean by that? If you look in, in the book of Proverbs chapter 17, verse 14, there's a verse that defines what, what I'm talking about here. It says this starting a coral is like opening a floodgate. So stop before a dispute breaks out. Did you hear that starting a quarrel? But stop before a dispute. What he's really trying to describe here is this idea that, that when you start to have conflict, it's like you have a dam and, and there's starting to be some stress on the dam and, and some you gotta figure out how to release some of that water, but don't let the dam break a dispute is the dam has broken, the water has released and, and, and here's the issue. If a dam breaks, you can't put that water back. So what this verse is saying is the best thing to do is when you start to have conflict, when there starts to be a quarrel. When you start to run in it, when there starts to be a stress on the relationship, you need to stop the fight, stop it before a fight starts. In other words, we need to learn how to, when we try to manage conflict with one another in any relationship, how do I notice when that's happening and then lose the fight part. Learn how to let go. Don't go down that road, don't go down the fight part. In other words, get to conflict resolution, don't get to a conflict. Revolution. So what does that, what does that mean? What does that mean? So how do we respond? And, and so what I wanna say here before we dive into the passage, that'll really help us to, to go after unity because the, the opposite of disunity or fighting is to go after unity. So that's what we're gonna be talking about. But first I wanna say, how does, how does conflicted moments turn into a fight? It's all about how you respond. It's 100% of how I choose to respond, how I respond to conflict determines whether the dam will break and it becomes a fight. And there's three ways I can respond to conflict. There's three ways and, and I like, if you've been here at this church for very long, I like to use illustration of shoes because, you know, you're, you're, you're gonna walk through something with each other. But what are you, what, what are you choosing to wear? Because what you wear for shoes determines how you're gonna walk or where you're gonna go, it kind of deter, determines the purpose, right? So what kind of shoes we choose to walk into a conflict will determine whether it's a fight or not. And the, the, the first one is a combat boot and that first response is this, you make it about you, not, you, you, you like if I'm in a moment where I'm conflicting with somebody where there's a coworker, my wife, you know somebody and, and you start to have a conflict. The first response you do not want to have is to make it about you. Meaning I'm in a conflict with you. This is really you like, this is your fault. You're the problem. If you just stopped doing this, if you started doing that, if you had never done this, if you just knew what I knew. If you, you really is, you're making it about the other person's division. In other words, I think I i it's putting on combat boots because what are combat boots for? WW, what are these for? These, this is actually a pair of boots I got from a friend. These have been in combat, literally not that kind of combat, but these combat boots is when you wear a pair of combat boots, you're lacing them up. This means you're gonna go defend yourself, you're gonna go search and destroy an enemy. And that's the first response I can have when I start to quarrel with somebody, it's not friends trying to work through something you've now polarized. Like I said, that issue I talked about we get polarized and now it's me versus you. And you're the problem. See, this is the one where you attack. The best defense is a good offense. I'm gonna go on the attack. It's usually anger involved. This is the one I like to do. I like to win. This is about winning. I wanna win. I've done this a lot. I, and, and, and sadly, most of my illustrators are with my wife because that's my closest friend. And, and, and a lot of times I, I realized early on like, even if I was right, I didn't know and I, I would just go into attack mode. Like, what are you talking about? I felt like my wife would say something to me and I'd feel threatened and I would attack back. Kind of like what I did in this fight just the other day. I went into it. Hey, wait, I'm feeling threatened. I'm being pushed around. They're looking down on me, you know, the best way I'm gonna solve this win. And so you, you try to win and, and you know, this could be so bad that if you get into the winning mode, this attack mode so strongly you could actually be half. I've been halfway through a fight and realized the Holy Spirit, my conscious, maybe actual information popped into my head. I said, I'm actually wrong. Now. What's said on live stream stays on live stream, right? I've had those moments where I realized I was wrong, but I realized I'm starting to win. My wife's gonna cave in. So I keep going because that's what a warrior does. Even if you're wrong, I can win the battle. And the problem is you're anger driven and you're saying it's all about you, you've put that on, where does that really come from? You know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's stupid, isn't it? Isn't it a dumb way to, to, it's to try to have conflict resolution this way is kind of like trying to win a fight by punching yourself in the face. You know, you like get out and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna challenge, OK, I'm ready to fight you and you start because that's all you're doing. You're not helping if, if I prove II I win, I defeat theo. That was my friend or my wife or my coworker or my brother or my sister or someone like that. I have now pummeled you in this argument. What do you think's going to happen to the relationship? Because it's, I have defeated you as a foe. It's making it about you. So, what's the other response? There's a response that's kind of the opposite, but it's still just as bad. It doesn't help. And that's this, it's the running shoe. And this is saying I make it about me. I make it about me. You see the combat boot person is every time there's a coral, you lace up and you're ready to go win. The running is the person that they lace up and they go, I want to avoid if, if combat is about attack, this is about avoiding. And the reason I say you've made it about yourself is the people that tend to put on their running shoes is they're like, even if this conflict is something that needs to be dealt with, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to be the one. I just don't want to deal with it. I just wanna leave it alone, let it sit the way it is. So I'm gonna lace up and I'm gonna run away. I'm just gonna go, go, go, go, go, I'm, I'm gonna run away from this. I don't want to do it. So there's still, like I said, you're, you still haven't dealt with the conflict you're making about your insecurity or your, I don't wanna be in this. I don't wanna be a part of this. I'm gonna run away and, and here's the problem if you are watching this and we're talking about how to manage conflict. My biggest fear is there are some of you watching and the friendship, you're talking about the marriage, you're talking about whatever relationship, some of your close relationship you think, I don't really need this stuff because we never fight. Well, especially if you have two running shoes, people, you're never going to fight, but you're also never going to resolve anything. And the reality is if you keep running from conflict, you're gonna run so far away, eventually you're gonna find out that you ran right out of the relationship you don't want to run. Now, ironically, in marriage, at least II, I tend to see that, that, that combat boots tend to find running shoes and it tends to be a process of chase and run, run chase. But here's the deal. If you are trying to force a runner to fight, there is nothing scary than a runner who has ran out of room to run. It gets ugly because as you run away and don't deal with conflict, you may not have to deal with that moment. Deal with that issue. Deal with that. But you're still carrying all that hurt with you. You're still carrying it with you. Now, let me say something here. Right now. This is for every day, it can get pretty dysfunctional. But what I'm talking about here is about how do I deal with conflict within relationships I have. But there is a version of combat that you should run from. If you are in any kind of relationship where the fights we're talking about, get physical. If there's any abuse physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, you do run away from that. That's not what I'm talking about. You should run away and run to some help, get help. I'm just talking about, hey, I have this relationship. We have a hard time. We have this and I just try to avoid all the time. That's what I mean. Here's the thing about these first two shoes that these responses, they don't help the fight. One avoids one attacks, neither solves the problem. And, and here's what happens. I, I got a little quote I wanted to put up here every time conflict becomes win, lose or avoid a piece of your heart leaves the relationship. That's the problem with those two responses. Whether you feel the fight, whether you feel like you wanna fight, whether you ran away. So there was never truly a fight. The problem is when you try to have it a win, lose or a void and you never deal with the issues. A piece of your heart leaves and it's only a matter of time before there is no more relationship. So, what's the response that we wanna talk about the rest of this time and next week? And that is this third shoe. This is AAA hiking, boot, hiking. Now, what's interesting is a combat boot is a form of a hiking boot. These are designed very similar. They, they, they are designed to go over all terrain. They're designed to go through rough terrain where there's no trails. They're designed to climb up hard stuff, go down in the valleys to be able to have traction on loose ground and rock and protect your ankles. They're all, they designed to do the same thing with your feet. There's just one difference here between the combat boot and, and, and, and the hiking boot. They walk the same terrain but they have a different goal. You see the goal of the combat boot is a defeated foe. The goal of the hiking boot is a shared destination. I'm going to seek and destroy. We're gonna seek to get through this. The issue we might have doesn't have a trail. It's got a lot of rough terrain. It has a lot of climbing to it. It's hard, but we're going together this, I just wanna find you and destroy you. This, I don't wanna go off road. I just want to get on a path and run as far away from this as possible. So we need to take the hike. So how do we lose the fight, we tell the fight to take a hike, we go after unity. That's what it's talking about. Unity. So, what does this look like? Well, now I wanna turn to Philippians chapter two and there's a few verses that is kind of the, the theme of what we're gonna be looking at for this week and next week because like I said, if you want to manage conflict with others, the goal for it all is unity. And in Philippians, it's a, it's a letter that the Apostle Paul was inspired by the Holy Spirit to light, right to this church in Philippi. And it's interesting, he starts talking about what does it mean to be the church? What does it mean to, to live in community? What does it mean to have these friendships? And in chapter two, he says, you have to have attitude of Christ, you gotta be like Jesus, but then he breaks it down and says this is how unity is formed. And, and the real reason he's writing this is they were struggling with that. It's kinda interesting if you read the whole New Testament, all the letters to the different churches. It's amazing how many times Paul has to address unity because people get into fights. We, we have conflict and so we gotta know how to manage it and how you manage conflict in any relationship is you go on the hike of unity, you seek unity. So what's going on here. So let, let me just read. I'm just gonna read the first three verses and I wanna make three observations about this hike of unity. But it's three things you have to lose before you can go on the hike. It's almost like if I'm gonna go on a hike, I gotta take off the other shoes. I gotta get different socks. I it's what do I need to lose in order to move forward. So here we go. Uh Philippians chapter two verse one. Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another and working together with one mind and purpose. Here we go. What does that look like? Don't be selfish. Don't try to impress others. Be humble. Thinking of others is better than yourselves. There it is that third verse right there. Don't be selfish. Don't try to impress others. Be humble and thinking of others is better than yourselves. See, these are these things, these are three things right there in that verse that we gotta lose. This is how you lose the fight. This is how you let go and don't end up letting the dam break and you go into quarrel, you go into conflict, you go into a disagreement, you go into I've been hurt by you, but you approach it by losing these three things and they're right there in that verse. So, what are these three things? These three things are, you gotta lose the wanting, the working and the wounding. What do I mean by that? The first one is I have to lose wanting only my way. That's the first part here which says don't be selfish. The first thing I gotta lose that when I go into a conflict, I have to, I have to set aside my selfishness. And when, when you're self there, you have needs. It's not saying that to, to not be so says, I don't, I need something from you. But when you turn selfish is you, you decide going into a conflict that you want it your way, only your way. That's all you're worried about. It's, it's stated really clear, like I said, a lot of these letters in the book of James. James had to address this very same thing. And he says, here's where fights begin. Here's why they're always gonna have a problem with conflict. He says in James chapter four verses one through three, what is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from the evil desires at war within you, you want what you don't have. So you scheme and kill to get it, you scheme and even kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can't get it. So you fight and wage war to take it away from them. You, you don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong. You want only what will give you pleasure. See, the heart of what starts conflict is the heart of sin. It's this idea that we are broken and we naturally want just what we want. We naturally go after that. And so what he's saying is the same thing. It's, that's uh the more drawn out version of saying, don't be selfish, don't try to impress others. He's saying, don't be selfish there. He's saying, don't go into it saying I want only my way. Think about whoever you are having a hard time relating to right now, whether it's a spouse, a family member, a coworker, a good friend. And you're like, hey, we are kind of at an impasse and the first thing you should lose is any of that selfish attitude, like just sit back and go how much of this is because I just want it to be my way and am I willing to lose that? The second thing is working only for my way. So it's wanting only my way, then it's working for only my way. Look what it says here next. It says, don't try to impress others be humble. What it's really talking about is it talks about this, this vein, this, this conceded plans kind of like it mentions in James you have these plans, you start planning and working, you'll even destroy, kill you, you, you'll do these things. But he says you start to have plans that I'm, I'm not only do I want my way, I'm gonna do whatever it takes. I'm gonna work out whatever plan it takes to get my way. I need to let go of that. I need to lose it. I need to stop trying to impress other be right. I have to be seen as right. I gotta look like this. I wanna have this. In other words, I have to stop being selfish. And if I don't stop being selfish, I will then have a hard time with pride. Personal pride is what drives us to maintain our fight for our selfishness. You see? So, so he's saying is, is, is be humble. In other words, they weren't being humble, they were like not only do they want their way, they're being arrogant saying, you know, I know the best way to do this. I know how we should do this and, and you don't want to listen. In other words, you don't listen. So when you want only your way and you start working only for your way, what happens when you're trying to have conflict management? Working only for your way is what I see on social media. It is what I see that people take an issue. This is a really valid issue, something should be done with it. But someone has an opinion about something else. So they grab that issue as an illustration of their soapbox and weaponize it and then fight because they're arrogant. And then you see people try to comment and like, oh, I, you know, everybody has a, a social media doctrine and so we all are experts why I read and I do this. Everybody just prides up and tries to demand that they have more qualifications in what they're talking about. Well, here's the problem. If everybody's working on their plan, no one's listening to one another. Could that be what's happening in your relationships? Is everybody working and trying to get their plan for their way. So no one actually listens to anyone else. Do you do that? Because if I keep wanting only my way and working for only my way, you know what I'm gonna end up doing, I'm gonna wound others. I'm gonna wound others trying to get my way. That's what James is talking about. That's what Philippians is trying to help us avoid. I will wound others in getting my way. And James even says this is where people end up getting killed. Why do you think people murder people? That's just the extreme end of the same struggle every one of us has in our hearts. It's why conflict always occurs in relationships. The question is, will you stop it before a dispute breaks out. Proverbs 1714, will you lose the fight in order to win the relationship. And what I mean by lose the fight is get rid of wanting only my way, working only for my way and wounding others and trying to get my way next week, we're gonna talk a little bit more about, ok, well, if I lose those, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to work it out? Basically, this talk is lose these shoes. Choose the hike next week. We're gonna talk about what does this hike look like? What is 1 ft in front of the other? What are the steps you take? But you have got to lose the fight first. Otherwise, what this is saying is what James is saying. And the Philippians pat saying what it's saying is if I stay on this road, I'm gonna be like Lucy on the Peanuts, the Peanuts cartoon Lucy. She once said if I can't be right, then I'm gonna be wrong at the top of my lungs. And I think that's what all of us do. I think we're in a culture right now where people don't care if they're right or wrong. And even if they're wrong, even if they're wrong, they're gonna do it at the top of their lungs. They're gonna all caps it when they're typing. It doesn't matter. And, and, and we're growing in that we're simmering in that and it's bleeding over into our marriages. It's bleeding over into our families, it's bleeding over into our work relationships. It's bleeding over into our, our friendships and our home groups. It's bleeding over into our churches and we have to go after unity and the only way we're going to do it is to lose the fight to win the relationship. One thing I'll, I'll just say ahead of time for how you start taking this hike is kind of what helped us finally solve that fight. I was in because like this is a week ago and I just kind of left it as a fight. We're not still in a fight, by the way, I didn't come home here. So it was resolved and, and mainly it's because we were able to apply how my wife tried to teach the principles of unity. How do you manage a conflict to our kids and to others? And she always said it this way when you have a conflict, you need to say what you mean. You need to mean what you say and you need to don't say it mean, say what you mean mean, what you say, don't say it mean. And see in that fight, I was trying to say what I mean. My wife was trying to say what she meant meant my daughters were trying to say what they meant. The problem is we didn't really know what we meant, meaning the way we said it. Nobody knew what anyone was truly saying. And when that happens, you start saying it mean and it gets hostile and then you polarize and then you take any piece of, of, of, of information or issue that you think can prove your point and you weaponize it against the other person. In other words, I've heard it said this way when we get in, in, in a lot of fights, it's not the pain in fights is not so much about how hysterical we get. It's about how historical we get meaning we'll get historical meaning. You did this, you did that. You never did those things all come from letting the dam break. So how did that work out for Carrie? And I, how did we start a hike? Well, like I said, I went out in the garage and acted like fine. You're gonna come to me. She didn't, we came in the whole rest of the night we ate dinner together. We even joked about things. We, we didn't, we were nice and cordial but everyone in the house, even my grandson who's eight months old, he could dissents. They felt a disturbance in the force and, and I just, this is the time that my way of fighting was not running into the fight. It, it looked like I was running because I wouldn't, I just wouldn't talk about it. I just pulled back, but that was still combat boots because you know what I did? I said, hey, the direct attack wasn't working So I dug some trenches and turned it into trench warfare. I'm just gonna fight you by not fighting you. And then we got that night we went up to our bedroom, we're getting ready for bed. And my wife finally sits on the edge of the bed. She sits there and she's staring at me because I was sitting in the chair reading and she was, hey, yeah, she goes, come here. I was like, why I'm still fighting? Like, why apologize first? Then I'll come over there, give me the victory. Then I'll come over there. But she goes, no, just come over here. Why she goes because we have to get this over with. And what she meant by that is, it's weird when you've been married 28 years. It's funny you have these, I was so deeply hurt. I felt I was so mad and I could tell she was frustrated but it's weird that, you know, you're really mad, but you also just know in your heart of hearts we're gonna get past this. It's just a matter of when are we gonna humble ourselves? Stop being self and go on that? When are we gonna decide to put the hiking boots on and start up that hard? We knew it's a hard hike. I'm like, man, this is gonna be a lame hike. It's all uphill. There's nothing but Cactus. There's still stupid. Arizona kegs that's attached to you, you know, and all those things, you knew it. So I was like, we're just avoiding it. And so that's what she was trying to say. She's trying to say, can we just start the hike and get it over with? And so I'm like, ok, so in other words, she invited me to go on a hike, but it was still, I was grumpy about it fine. And as we tried to talk it through, we circle back around, all I was trying to say all I was saying and it starts to heat up again. The, the pressure on the dam, it's like we still don't get it, we still don't get it. And then she finally just said, you know what? I don't quite get it. But I'm sorry if I'm frustrated. I I'm, she started to say sorry, she didn't even know what she's saying. Sorry. She just started saying I don't want it to be this way. And as she said that I calmed down. But then I said, you know, let me explain. Not, it's like a late one on. And after she invited me to go on the hike and I calmed down instead of trying to argue my principal again, it finally hit me. And this is what happens when our insecurities, our sin, our Brokenness, our selfishness, our pride, our fear gets involved most of the time. What we're yelling about is not what we're fighting about. That's good. I just thought of that. You should write that down and put it on your refrigerator. And if you sell it on a T shirt, give me part of the profits. But most of the time, what we are yelling about is not what we're fighting about. I finally realized I wasn't mad about my daughters and my wife disagreeing. Even with the principal even, they didn't understand. But even if they did, I, I was still gonna be hurt whether they decided to agree with me or not. I started to realize I was more hurt that it sounded like they were looking down upon me in a way that I've let them down as a man, as a godly man, as a leader. And it broke my heart because I, I didn't want them to see me that way. And then my wife started it so that my daughter. So I felt like hurt by her because not only did she see me, I thought she was seeing me as something. I thought my life had shown. I never was, I thought I was caring. I thought I was like, I felt like they were disappointed in me. And then she got my daughters to be disappointed in me. And the weirdest thing is is I shared that I lost it. I am not ashamed to admit that men, sometimes the best thing you can do is just let the man tears flow because as I started to cry, she finally understood what I thought was happening, which wasn't happening. And as I sat there trying to stop it because it's like, oh, so embarrassing even in front of your wife, I'm just crying because I felt like I'd, I'd God through those tears, she reached over, put her hand on mine. And at that moment I knew we had lost the fight and one, the relationship. Father God, I pray lord that anyone out there that's struggling, that they're just struggling in whatever relationship it is, whether it's a friendship, a marriage, a family thing, a work thing, whatever it is. Lord, the guy that you could, you could just help them just maybe just would they be willing to do what we've just talked about here. What, what I did what my wife did, what, what helped us get past this moment? Because Lord, the prayer is not about never having conflict. Father, you know that you've told us that we know that it's about how do we respond to it. So Lord help us to be people that go on a hike together. We don't run, we don't fight, we go on a hike towards unity. So lord anyone out there that's struggling in any way, would they please? Just before we look at what we should do, would they please look at their own heart and say, hey, do I need to lose one of these three things? Do I need to lose the attitude of selfishness that just wants my own way all the time. Do I need to lose the pride? That says, hey, I am always working to make my plan and my way work and Lord do that, do I need to lose the wounding that I'm doing to the people around me? When I do that, Lord speak to my heart, help me to understand that, speak to us. May we go on a hike together and may all of our relationships be one that we're willing to lose the fight in order to win the relationship. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.