There was a couple that had an argument that really heightened to the point of the silent treatment if you've ever given someone or received the silent treatment. And in this case, both husband and wife were giving each other a silent treatment and neither one wanted to break. And so a few hours went into a day, went into two days where the couple didn't talk to each other. And the husband realized that he actually needed his wife's help because sometimes he would struggle to wake up in the morning and he had to leave for an early business trip that next morning and, but he didn't want to break his silence. And so he placed a post it note next to his wife's nightstand that said, please wake me at 5 a.m. So that'll be perfect. So we went to bed the next morning, he woke up, it was 830 and the wife had already been up for hours and clearly he had missed his flight and he was pretty frustrated. And then he looked over at his nightstand and saw a post it note that read wake up. It's 5 a.m. in our relationships. You know, we have this ideal, this picture of things we long for. But then there's also this reality and today we will just be very practical. And so we wanna discuss what does it mean to fight for your marriage then also what does it mean to fight in your marriage? Because conflict happens, you know, of the entire Bible, about 1200 chapters in the Bible a little over that. Um Do you know how many of those chapters are without conflict? Four Genesis one and two by Genesis three, we've messed it up than the entire book. Every single chapter has conflict, whether stated, not stated, visible, invisible, conscious, unconscious, something related. Jesus comes down filled with conflict still, right? Early church to today until Jesus deals with conflict in the last two chapters in revelation, it's done with so of all of the Bible, only four chapters are without conflict. And so it would stand a reason that we're gonna experience conflict in our own relationships. And so how can we do it well, how can we do it and honor God and how can we do it to improve our relational connection with one another? If you're taking notes, go ahead and write this down because here's our idea for today. And it's simply this, that you are not responsible for your spouse, but you are responsible to your spouse. There's a big difference there. So you are not responsible for your spouse, but you are responsible to your spouse and to help understand this concept. We want to really use two images today and they work together. OK. First image is boundaries and the second image are bridges. So go ahead and turn to your loved one or your neighbor and just go ahead and say boundaries and bridges. Go and for those of you who weren't paying attention, and we're wondering why some random person is whispering in your ear right now or gonna give you another chance. So, go ahead with a little more fervor. Go ahead and say to the person next to you, boundaries and bridges. Some of you gave a little too strong. We'll talk about that. A little too excited about that. Boundaries. OK. Well, OK. All right. We have established one. OK. Um Anyway, no, we um so boundaries and bridges, if you can understand these two concepts, I think it'll, it's going to dramatically improve your relationship and give you some freedom and some constructs which you can build healthier relationships. So the first idea of a boundary can really come from. If you've heard of this author, this uh speaker here who specializes in relationships. Henry Cloud, he would define boundaries this way. You've even written books on it. I highly recommend a book called Boundaries For Marriage. There's some great stuff in there, but he would describe healthy boundaries are like property lines that define who you are and who you are not. So think of a boundary as a property line. Now, when relationships, it gets interesting because we talk about marriage as two becoming one, it's not simply one plus one equals two, but two becoming one is one times one equals one, right? It's one relationship, two become one. And so there is a boundary within your family. This is our family, this is not, this is what we allow, this is not, but what is helpful for us to understand and why there's a distinction between responsible to not responsible for is that you do bring a unique perspective, value and personhood into a relationship. And so it's important to establish your own individual boundaries within a given relationship because it clarifies who you are and who the other person is. If you have a friend or a sibling or a loved one who you've seen walk through a relationship and you've got this sense or if you've uttered these words, I just feel like they've lost themselves. All right. They're not who they used to be or we don't, I don't know who I am in a relationship. It could be that you haven't established your own personal boundaries within a marriage. Because boundaries, even within a, a healthy marriage can be a great thing because two things happen. Number one, it provides and clarifies a protective, safe space for yourself. And we're gonna talk on a practical basis on a majority today of how you can work through conflict together. But I do wanna, I do want to point out just because I think it gets brushed over in churches that your safety, physically, emotionally, spiritually matters to God. And abuse is not only not ok, it is evil and it is sin and it is wrong and so your safety matters to God. I think too many times in church we brush over things. We're like we just, just pray, ok. If you're in danger, you need to get out, you need to have some space. Maybe the relationship is not over, but you need to get to a place where you can do that. So seeking help, seeking protection, it is, is a healthy thing when needed. OK? That abuse is evil at that, at whatever level that comes in that we've got to recognize that and establish a healthy boundary and that God cares for your safety. OK? Now, within that, within everyday life stuff, it's still valuable to have your own boundaries because it, there's a safe part, there's a uniqueness and the individual to who you are. I recognize, wait a second, I have value. I have worth, I have interests and desires and things that I bring to the table. OK? So that's number one. But then number two, establishing individual bo boundaries within a relationship actually provides you the opportunity to love the other person by recognizing that you are different. It gives you the freedom and the ability to serve the differences of your spouse. So when we, we put things together and we mesh it like this. Sometimes you don't know who, where one person ends and the other one begins by establishing two unique people. You can recognize that I have the freedom to choose to be responsible to not for that per because where there is love, there is free will. Now, I fully believe in the sovereignty of God. I believe in the election of God. I believe in the power of God. But I also believe in the free world. There's a tension of both. And so God right there in the Garden of Eden, the first two humans that he ever created. There is a level of where you give someone the choice, the freedom to love. And that's what love. Love is a choice and with the choice to, to love and to serve and to bless. You do have the choice to hurt and reject and ignore. And so that freedom to just to clarify that freedom is really meant to serve. So it's not a boundary. I'm not saying create a boundary of here's my boundary. I'm gonna do whatever the heck I want. You can't tell me what to do. That's not, that's not a relationship, right? That is a little bird from Finding Nemo that goes mine, mine, mine. All right. That is not the goal for marriage. It is not two people of two different countries competing for a gold medal, you can both win. You don't have to play what's called a zero sum game where in other words, in order for you to win, the other person has to lose that. Rather you lift the person up and together as you get closer to God, you bless and encourage each other and that together you become better people as a result. It's not just my word for it. Let's check it out here in Galatians chapter five verse 13, it says you were called to freedom. So you do have a choice. You have boundaries set, you have the choice but notice what he says next. He says, no brothers referring to the church in general. He says, only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh but through love, serve one another. The purpose of freedom is so that you can choose to love and serve others. It means so much more when we do that. Ok. So by having those boundaries again, you, you identify yourself, your wants, your desires, your expectations, your personality as well as it gives you the opportunity to love and serve the other person by recognizing there's two different people. Well, how do we do that? Well, our example as a church is Jesus. In fact, the picture of marriage in Ephesians five is described as Christ in the church. And so how is it that Jesus approached the relationships with us is created beings when the gospel of John. John 114, it says in the word became flesh referring to Jesus. So Jesus came down dwelt among us and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only son from the father. And here it is. Here's how Jesus came full of both grace and truth. There's irreducible complexity here he had fully grace and fully truth combined. It's like an airplane. You have one wing and then the other wing. Grace and truth. Imagine getting on the plane, you get the the window seat, you sit down, you're getting buckled, you look out one wing looks great. You look out the other side, the other wing is non-existent. I'm getting off that plane or what if like one wing is great and the other wing, they, they couldn't find a 747 wing. So they put a little Cessna wing on it. So like the wings look like this, that thing's not flying. OK? You don't see that in birds either. Do you see birds that look like this? Thanks. So when it comes to handling conflict, which you will have conflict in your relationships, I understand that you need both wings and so you can actually approach fighting in a fair way when you have both grace and truth, which means that unhealthy fights lack grace, truth or both. I mean, we can acknowledge that if you have if you have no truth. So the opposite of truth is a lie Right? And then you have no grace. So if you're angry and lying, that's not gonna go well. Right. We can admit that. But understand that if you're just missing one ingredient that makes a big difference too, for example, if you have grace, but no truth that's gonna lead to flight. Right? Well, I just want to be gracious. Ok? But it, it also says in scripture to speak truth and love, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is have a difficult conversation letting somebody walk all over you is not love. And so you need both. You can't just say, well, the great thing to do is just to ignore it. No, Jesus didn't ignore our sin. He addressed it. He sacrificed Ferguson. He didn't ignore it, right? So there's an acknowledgement. The other side is also unhealthy if you have truth, but you don't have grace that leads to fight. We all have these tendencies we lean towards either fight or flight just becomes something is true. You have to ask yourself. Ok. Is this beneficial? Is this the right time? Do I have the right tone? Does this help the person if you've ever uttered the phrase? Well, it's how I feel. It's true. Ok. But there's more to it. Do you have grace in there too? Because you need both. But the good news is if you have grace and truth, you can approach relationships as Jesus did in a healthy way. Couple other verses on this. Proverbs 18 2, a fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. Are you approaching a relationship like a teammate that you wanna get better or like a courtroom where you're ready to cross examine? Right? Are you listening to understand or are you mentally taking notes? Oh Wait till they see my reply. You know, I gotta exhibit ABC and D oh I'm gonna win this one, right? Do you listen to understand? Or are you just listening to her reply and make your point, James write this in James 1 1920. Know this my beloved brothers let every person be quick to hear. Slow to speak, slow to anger. Sometimes we reverse that, don't we? OK? Quick to get upset, quick to speak and we're slow to listen. Scripture says no, slow down. Listen, first, listen, first, understand first says for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. We have to understand that darkness does not drive out darkness. Only light can do that, which means you do have to bring difficult things into the light first. What you say matters, your words have weight. How did God create the world? You spoke it into existence, right? This means that your words create worlds for other people. How you speak to your spouse, your loved one, your friends, your kids can either build them up or tear them down. Bricks are great at making buildings but they're also great at breaking windows. Ok. So are your words building up or breaking down your words? Have? Wait. Now, let's get real practical here just from my experience, both in marriage. And then also as a pastor in counseling and conversations, I've seen these just a few practical things and what I'm about to say now is not the time to elbow the person next to you and say you do that, You do that. OK? We all do this. OK? We all do this. So the I'm just gonna share some things that these will not help you. We all do it but these do not help resolve the conflict. Ok? Number one, don't use superlatives, don't use superlatives. When you go to superlatives, the other person will immediately think in their head of the time they did or didn't do something. You always do that. They go, well, not yesterday, not the day before like you start to again, instead of coming to resolution building each other up, you think of a head like a courtroom like, well, I'm gonna win. Huh? Superlatives make something bigger and then the person starts to justify or defend and walls go up, right? You always do that. You never do that right. As soon as you go to the extreme, the defenses and the walls go up. Number two, don't get historical, don't get historical. Have you ever been in an argument with a loved one? And like maybe it's not taking the trash out or it's not doing something small. And the next thing, you know, you got a list of 15 things that you've done wrong. I am. What happens is we build up, right. If we don't address the issues, we build up and all of a sudden it's like, wow. And we have this whole list. Oh, by the way, root. That doesn't, that's not gonna help you. Ok. Third thing here. If you don't get historical number three, don't get hysterical. The loudest person doesn't win. That's not how it works. I'm not saying that you're not gonna get angry and that based on how you're wired and personality or upbringing, I know that there are different temperaments of people, right? Some people fight and it's like, wow, but then they forgive freely, right? Like, ok, let's move on. Other people are like crock pots a little bit, right? Like they never get mad, but once they do just hang on. Right. And so I understand that your tone matters that it's not the loudest person wins. Ok? And so the more you can take a beat even say, hold on, give me a second. All right. Collect your thoughts to express them. OK? Um So don't use superlatives. Don't get historical, don't get hysterical number four, don't name, call, name, call might feel good to you. Ok? But there's gonna be some cleanup involved. It's kind of like throwing up a little bit, your body feels better after you get it out. But now it gets a little smelly and there's gonna be some cleanup needed. Ok? So your name call, that's not gonna bless the person that's not gonna lead the resolution. And the last thing don't fall into the comparison trap. As soon as you bring someone else into the picture or another business or another organization or something like that, it just pushes that person's button, right? Oh, yeah. Well, Tommy would never do that like we combine these right. They never treat Sally that way. All right. Well, Sally would never spend that much money on that, right? And then you throw in a name. As soon as you do that walls go up, it's not gonna help. I'm so what will help? I want to share our verse. I actually shared with our students in a different context this last week, but it's one of my go to verses not only spiritually but also relationally comes from Second Timothy 17. It says for God gave us a spirit, not of fear. So you don't have to live in fear. This is but of power and love and spouse control. Oh, wait, no, it doesn't say that. Does it again. If you have the freedom to choose, recognize that you can't control the response of the other person in the relationship. So what you can control is you don't have to be fearful, but you could use power. Love, self control. Where does your power come from? If it's anchored and if the firm foundation is in Christ, it's gonna give you a stronger response. Right? Grace and truth. It's based in love. What's the loving thing to do? All right. How is this? Love the person? Even if it's difficult that it's gonna be beneficial. Right? It's gonna build that person up or break barriers down, right? But that last thing, self control, you cannot control your spouse with the boyfriend or girlfriend, sibling, friend, parent child, but you can control yourself and put yourself in the best position to use your freedom to love and serve the other person. So ask yourself next time you have an argument or maybe you can dissect uh uh you know, maybe you can break down and, and think through the last argument you had and you can ask yourself, did you communicate from a position of power not the Lord over somebody else? Actually, Jesus used this power to serve people. I am. Did you come from a position of power and love and self control that once you've established boundaries, then you took a step in the right direction. In the Old Testament, Joshua led the charge of Israelites into the promised land. They they had all these battles. And at the end, there's this great verse in chapter 24 it says as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord. But notice the praise right before it. Here we go. Verse 14 and 15. Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness, put away the gods that your father served beyond the river in Egypt and serve the Lord. And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, then choose this day whom you will serve. Whether the gods of your father served in the region beyond the river or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you will dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. So in your freedom, in your boundaries, can you choose power, love and self control. Can you choose to operate in God's power? Not your power to love as God loves, not as the world loves. And the fact that we need the fruit of the spirit of self control means that our default mode is to not be in control. Because if you take the opposite of these three things, no one has ever fought because the power of God is too great. They love too much and they're too self controlled. I'm just so frustrated with you right now because you have loved me and have contained yourself in a Godly manner, right? Someone usually broke the trust and power. They weren't lobbying or they didn't show self control. Maybe in finances, budgeting, words, actions, right? Drink drug, maybe they weren't full of grace or maybe they weren't full of truth or maybe they weren't full of either. Right? God actually gives us the help to that. So once you've established your boundaries, that actually help it, lets you take a beat to recognize that you are not responsible for that person means that you can't be the Holy Spirit for that person. But it does affirm who you are, who you are, who you're not, what is allowed, what is OK, what is not OK? And then now once you have established boundaries, it gives you the opportunity to do the next thing which is to build a bridge or create a middle space where open and honest conversations can be held when you fight like this and my fingers intertwined to those who might be listening later on podcast here. When you fight like this, everything hurts, right? It's close combat. You're like you're in here. Every, every punch, every swing, you feel it. The goal and a healthy conflict is to address the person and then attack the issue. The problem is we live in a culture that does the reverse. We address an issue and then attack the person we call it politics, right? Your opinion is valid and this will save the nation, the other side, we will cease to exist, right? They're the worst like we do this all the time too. We give our uh we usually sway one way or the other. We either give ourselves grace and not other people or other people grace and not ourselves. For example, if you're late, you have a reason. Well, it was traffic, it was this, it was that if someone else is late, you're like, oh, they don't respect me. How could they, they always do that, right? Or the reverse is true. Sometimes you give everybody else grace and then you don't give yourself the same grace. Why? But when you have clear boundaries, you have two unique people in a relationship that actually provides the opportunity then to build bridges in between. Think of like coming to a table and sharing a meal. Like, have you ever tried to eat a meal on the go? That really isn't a a to go meal. You're trying to like walk and like carry stuff and you can't sit it down. Bye. If there's a lot to talk through, if there's like a big meal to have the best thing you might be able to do as a, as a couple is to, is to sit at a table, right where everything can get out in the open to understand that there is a space where you can share your thoughts and feelings without the other person just attacking right away. Now, sometimes you might need a trusted and trained third party to help facilitate. And that's ok. And so you're not gonna solve a 10 year issue with a 10 minute conversation, but you're not going to solve the issue until you have a conversation? Ok. So what does it take to get things out in the open? Right. Too many relationships have what I would call mission impossible. Silent alarms if you picture mission impossible. Right. He's going through and there's like the, the lasers and they, like, blow something in between and all of a sudden now the lasers become visible, like you don't know it until you trip it all of a sudden it's like, sometimes relationships are that way, aren't they? Have you ever accidentally tripped a silent alarm in a relationship? Right? You say or do something and the other person just responds and their response is way bigger than what you expected, right? It's because there was something triggered there. That's why it's healthy to have those boundaries, those conversations, those expectations clarified ahead of time. So then you can work through them, you can build these bridges that go through that. So what does it look like on a practical basis? Well, for example, if you don't feel like you're in love or passion or something is just not there, can you go back to a time where there was, can you talk about what were you doing as a couple? What was going on in your life? What was changing like because people change, people grow, right? And so can you express what was it that attracted you to that person in the first place? What are some shared experience? Some fond memories get establish some common ground in the relationship that you can both agree upon. And if it's not shared experiences, maybe it's shared expectations or shared values or shared goals like, hey, you've expressed to me before how much you love this, right? And you find some level of agreement because there you can, you can work with that, right? Even if you disagree on methods, you can, you can find a spot of agreement to start. Let me give you a couple of practical phrases that will help keeping things personal. For example, if you're in the fight to keep it personal and present, right? I feel blank, win blank, right? Instead of getting loud, hysterical historical, all this list, you always do this, you never do this. Tommy wouldn't do that. Sally wouldn't do that, right? You we combined all those things into one, right? And instead say, hey, when you were late, I worked really hard on that. And that made me feel not respected. Keeps it present, keeps it personal, first person versus second person, right? When this happened, I felt this versus you never do that. I see the difference. Another phrase that helps in your conversations in your conflict. Help me understand, hey, this happened. You said this, you bought this, help me understand. If you can start from a place of understanding versus reply, you might have a better chance of coming to an agreement of some kind or resolution of some kind, right? Acknowledging and validating how someone feels is valuable in that middle space. That middle ground came some other things that will help. OK? Is um repeat back to the person what they just said, not in a mark, mocking, sarcastic tone, but we're like, hey, you just said this right, help me understand like is this why you're you're feeling frustrated here, right? If you can get them to agree, right, then you can move forward. OK? And acknowledging feelings, acknowledging hurt, getting it out in the open, putting it in the middle space between the boundaries allows you to build a bridge. Now, this works best case when you have two parties who want the same things. What do you do when you have one party that's not playing by the same rules? All right. That's not fair. Have you ever played a board game where someone's not playing by the same rules? It's not fun. I mean, it's reality sometimes. So what do you do? Let me just offer some encouragement here from scripture. Romans 12. The whole passage is about living as worship. It's talking about the church, but we can see some relational verses in here verse nine. Let love be genuine, abhor what is evil? Hold fast to what is good again? Don't match darkness for darkness, right? Only light can bring out darkness. Verse 10, love one another with brotherly affection, outdo one another. Showing honor. I love this verse because it really gives us a picture of what healthy relationships look like. Outdo one another in honor. You know, respect is earned, but honor is given. Can you honor people from a place of health yourself? Again, you can choose, you can't control them, but you can choose to honor. Verse 11, do not be slothful and zeal, be fervent in spirit and serve the Lord. And this is a great relational verse here. If you want to underline this one, Romans 1212 rejoice and hope, patient and tribulation. Constant in prayer, rejoice that we have a savior that redeems all relationships and that your identity you're worth is not based in another person, but based in Jesus. And if there's real hope in all relationships, there's hope in your relationship. And so you can find that hope and joy in there, then you can be patient and persistent in the re tribulation, but then be constant in prayer. Now again, first thing I said in the morning, if there's safety involved, get out right, get to a healthier place. There is you can still work on the relationship, but from a healthier situation. Ok? But in the day to day rejoice and hope, patient tribulation, constant prayer. Verse 13, contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Are you hospitable in your heart and in your life skipping down a few verses verse 18, if possible, that tells me that not, sometimes it's not possible. Ok. So those boundary lines might really need to come into play. There, there are consequences when boundaries are crossed, that's not sin, that's called health and wisdom. OK? If possible, as far as it depends on you live peaceably with all you choose how to respond, right? And then verse 21 do not overcome, be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. As much as it depends on you and your faith, you can live out of power, love and self control. Then Ephesians five says, look carefully, then how you walk not as unwise, but as wise making the best use of the time because the days are evil, therefore, do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is. Do not get drunk with wine for that is debauchery, but be filled with the spirit addressing one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart giving thanks always and for everything to God. The father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. The reason I read that passage is immediately following that is where it says wives submit to your husbands, husbands lay down your lives for your wives. It is an extension of verse 21 that healthy relationships are truly a race to the back of the line where because of our love for Jesus, we submit to one another that we don't get bitter. We get better that we look to bless, look to serve but looking to serve, looking to love, looking to lead did not mean you are a mat that people trample over. But you establish healthy boundaries for yourself, knowing who you are. And in looking for opportunities to build bridges with the people around you because you might not change your spouse. But you still have an impact on your kids and your friends and your neighbor and your church. You don't have to walk through things alone. We need each other with God. Anything is possible but free yourself from the burden of knowing that you are not responsible for your spouse. You cannot control them. You are responsible to them. Meaning your marriage could be the greatest ministry in your life and you could be the redemptive agent in their lives. Have hope, be persistent, be in prayer. Know who you are, have your boundaries and look for those opportunities to build bridges with the people around you. And if you do that, I think God's gonna bless that again. You will have conflict. But know that Jesus gives us the way as a rhythm within our church. We're gonna close the day by taking what's called communion or Jesus just hours before he would be arrested and tried and die on the cross for us. So like a passover meal, we call the last supper and shared with the disciples. Look, you don't get this now, but I'm about to give my life for you. And so whatever relationship that kind of went through your head, whatever fight, whatever thing going on, whatever worry that went through your mind as we were going through this message today, I want you to offer that to God today because he can heal. He can change. God is with you and God is for you and that our ultimate relationship with God can change everything. And so we wanna take these elements if you don't have one yet, if you didn't get, when you came in, we're gonna pass them around. Hang on to that, pray through the relationships that are on your mind and heart right now, know that God cares for you in just a moment. We are gonna take the elements together, dear heavenly Father. I lift up the marriages and relationships. Yeah. We live in a culture or relationships are transactional. It's an exchange whether physically or emotionally or financially. And when things don't go our way, we just move on to the next one. But God, you have not designed relationships to be transactional, you design relationships to be transformative. In fact, you use the marriage picture to describe your son Jesus Christ in the church. So God, we pray for our marriages and our relationships and our health because we know that you care for us. We know that it was in the garden that Satan attacked relationships first and So because he attacked that. He know, we know that God, you can change the world through how we love and treat one another. So as we remember, the sacrifice you gave for us, we humbly lay our relationships, our marriages at the foot of the cross. And we ask that you redeem them and change us for your glory. We love you God and your something, we pray.