So we are in a series entitled Family five Where we're walking through five principles to build a healthy thriving family. And I want to start off by just asking the question to you of parents in the room, have you ever heard your kids just say something just over the top and you start laughing out loud, but you're in a very serious moment and they say something that just catches you off guard. Kids are just awesome for catching us off guard. And so I was just curious. I went online and just kind of search stories when have kids said funny things to their parents and one lady posted a story and she said, but she was eating pizza and salad um with her kid. I almost didn't believe it because they said salad and kid, but um it was eating pizza and salad until the mom asked her son and said, hey, can you give me your blue cheese dressing so I can dip in my pizza crust. And he was hesitant like, and he held back like, no, you can't have, this is my dressing. And so she went into the mom's, maybe you can relate. I gave birth to you speech and so you need to give back. And so she went into the speech and then the sun looked up at her and said, okay, mom, I'll give it to you this time. But how long are you gonna ride that scooter or another man posted online? That they were at a very emotional scene, they were actually at a graveside memorial service and so they were right at the gravesite and uh and the service was ending and it was a young child and and instead of dropping flowers into the grave site because the person, the friend was an avid golfer, they handed a golf ball to every person in attendance. And so people dropped a golf ball into the grave site as they went back and was really emotional, everyone's crying. And then the little boy turned to the dad and whispered, good thing, he wasn't a bowler. Yeah, yeah. Mhm. Okay. And then the last one I want to share with you this morning actually from personal experience, I was helping run a sports camp up in Cincinnati years ago and we were running some competitions and some contests, but it was, it was leading up to lunch time and I'm just gonna be transparent with you. There was a kid that was kind of large of size and he kept asking me, hey coach, hey coach, what time is it coach? What time is it coach? What time is it? And so I was like buddy, just calm down. Okay, We got five minutes till lunch and he looks at me and he goes lunch. I got five minutes left to dominate and he, when he ran back into the game and started playing, I was like, man, that is an awesome attitude here. I had this picture in my mind that he was thinking about food coming up and he goes, hey coach, how much time do I got left? Five minutes, That's great. I got five minutes to dominate like there in second grade. And so in that moment and in those funny statements, kids sometimes have a way of changing our perspective. And so this morning I want to talk to you about the idea of changing our perspective when it comes to the topic of discipline. Each week, we're walking through a characteristic or a foundational truth, that if you apply this in your family's life, it can radically transform your relationships moving forward. In week one, we talked about the principle of how healthy families put God first and the truth is that if you don't put God first in your life, then your priorities are out of order. Then in the second week of our series, we had dr tim Kimmel come in and teach us that healthy families are based on grace and how Grace ultimately sets the temperature of the room or the relationships through which you can speak truth. And then last week we talked about the third principle which is that healthy families create a culture of honor. And we shared how really the idea of honor is connected to value when you, when you purchase a ticket to a concert, when you go into the arena and they scan that ticket, they are honoring the value of which you have already paid and if honor is recognizing the value of someone based on the price already paid then what is a person's value? Well that person's value is based on the fact that jesus was willing to die for that person and so their value is eternal. And so if jesus was willing to die for you and me, then it makes sense then that we should treat each other with honor and our words and our deeds and we should create that culture. And so this morning we're going to talk about the idea of discipline and where that comes in and if you're taking notes, I want you to write this down. Here's the principle is that healthy families value relationship overrules healthy families value relationship overrules. There's two errors when it comes to understanding the purpose of rules And those errors are known as legalism on one side. So where it's all about the rules, they have rules upon rules upon rules. But then on the other side is a laxity or maybe extreme liberalism. Where it's all about fun, there's no rules. So you have all about the rules and then it's it's it's all not about the rules. All fun. But both extremes can lead to painful connections. See what happens when someone is legalistic is that they typically start with a good intention. So you can picture it this way that let's say there is something that could electrify someone. And so they maybe put a sign on the fence that says don't touch electric fence. Well what a legalistic rule does with intention as well, they might not obey that sign. So I'm gonna put another fence outside that is a fence outside of the fence. And so they're like, well I'll just add an extra layer of protection. It just makes sense, right? That's a good thought process. Except when we don't tell people that we're giving them added protection, but we actually say don't touch electric fence, What happens? What happens is that people go and someone eventually touches that first fence and realizes, wait a second, that one's not electric. And if that one really didn't hurt me, then how do I know this other one is gonna hurt me? And then people kind of jump across that and they put themselves in a danger zone, right? Maybe some of you in this room understand this concept of being overly legalistic or, or what started out with good intention and was a layer of protection, missed the heart of relationship. So, right, don't listen to, you know, rock and roll. Don't play cards. Don't, don't dance through these things and they will start out with really good intentions and maybe in the context of your family. That rule worked for you guys. But the reason they said no rock and roll, no dancing, no cards was actually that deeper level of what something might lead to or lied to. And so what happens is the next generation sees the rule that we put in place doesn't see the consequence and therefore throws out the rulebook, right? And so when you're legalistic, you're saying, hey, look like me when the point of Christianity is not look like me, but look like jesus. And so if you're all rules as soon as they break one and they don't see a consequence, so they don't understand it, they say, well, I'm just gonna throw out the rule book and that doesn't apply to me. So that's that's one side of being legalistic. But on the other side of laxity are saying, well, it's all about fun and there's no rules. Well, the problem is is that that really is functions in today's culture as the idea of tolerance and tolerance is a nice buzz word for today. But we've changed that definition. Tolerance used to be defined as the acceptance of the existence of differing viewpoints. Dictionaries literally took out that word existence of So now the new definition of tolerance is that the acceptance of differing viewpoints. So you're right, I'm right, everyone's right, don't argue with me. So it's like don't judge everything is relative except for my statement of saying everything is relative, right? And so tolerance is a nice idea. But let's be honest, the goal as a parent is not to tolerate your kids. We were at a training through vision Arizona this past Wednesday and actually the speaker shared that love is a higher virtue than tolerance. C love has the acceptance part of tolerance. It says I love you just as you are and I accept you just as you are. But then it goes a step further and says because I love you, I don't want you to stay that way and it helps them grow. You don't just simply want to tolerate your kids. If you let your kids set the rules for your house, it's not good, right? They and when I was looking up funny things that kids say, I read one story where a mom was trying to repair their child in case of an emergency and they said honey, if mommy happens to fall over and it's not really responding to you, what are you gonna do? And the child said eat all the candy that I can like. If you allow your child to set the rules, it's not gonna go well, but you set rules in place why? Because you love them. So we're not saying relationship without rules but that the priority is relationship over rules. Another way to think of it is this way if you're taking notes. Well actually, let me just pause there before we jump into that is that instead of I just want to offer an alternative instead of legalism and laxity. Okay, instead of legalism and laxity, I want you to write down these two words, write down legacy and launching legacy and launching instead of focusing on all rules or no rules. Think about what is the legacy that you are leaving behind and how are you launching them into the future? Raising a child is a lot like shooting an arrow, you have an arrow in your hand. But the power really comes when you release it, you want to launch your child forward into adulthood into maturity and and into those next generations. And when you do that, you actually leave behind a legacy right before service started actually met Libby's mother right here just sitting in front row and and actually it was the cutest thing right before service that made my day and she said my mom and their family had the legacy of Christianity in our family. And so when you think of parenting that way, when you think of legacy and launching versus legalism and laxity, it changes your perspective. So when it comes to discipline, consider this and you can write this down, you cannot protect your child from everything, You cannot protect your child from everything. Therefore try to prepare your child for anything. You cannot protect your child from everything. So instead try to prepare your child for anything. Here's what I mean is that your priority is not protection but preparation, you can put guardrails, you can put filters, you can track, you can follow but the problem is something new is going to come down the road, a new relationship, a new temptation, a new situation and you cannot bubble wrap your kids as much as we love to do that. It doesn't work in the end. And so it's a perspective change. It is a switch when you're not, your goal is not protection, but preparation. I'm not saying protection is bad, There's a level, I'm not just gonna send my child roaming the streets, okay? Say, hey, good luck preparing them for life, okay. Sometimes we wish we could do that or you know, but then my neighbor brings my child back and says, hey, that's probably not smart, no. Um, but like the idea is the mindset behind it, what is your goal? Because it can be exhausting as a parent, if you're running around, don't touch that, don't do that, don't do that, do that, don't do that, do that. And in the early stages, and I'm in the early stages right now, the most common word you say is no, and it's exhausting. And the parents that are in this state understand and the parents that are outside of that stage, you're like, yeah, yeah, I don't think we're gonna make it right, but the reason you do that, the reason you come in is because ultimately you are preparing someone to launch and in doing so you're leaving a legacy, it's not about protection, it's about preparation. And so what do I mean? Let's, let's talk through this a little bit. So we're gonna walk through three things to kind of break down this idea of preparation versus protection. First, we're gonna show you some examples in scripture to demonstrate, I'm not just making this idea up that it's a biblical one second, we're gonna talk about when is the appropriate time to discipline? What are reasons to discipline and then three, how can we prepare our Children to grow and if if you're in a stage of life where you do not have kids, the good news is is that this is also applicable because what we're talking about is actually not not only how do we prepare our Children, but how do we prepare ourselves to become disciples and followers of jesus? So it applies to all of us in the room and we're just gonna look at it through the lens of raising a child this morning. So the first thing and talking about preparation over protection, right? Relationship over rules, let me just give you a couple examples in scripture. Um I'm just gonna kind of run through these, so you don't necessarily have to write them down just to give you an understanding of the thought process leading through scripture, that this is a continued theme throughout. Okay, first, in luke, chapter two verse 41 of the only verses we hear about jesus as a child, it says in there, it says that jesus grew and became strong filled with wisdom and the favor of God was upon him. Now, some of you might be thinking, oh, great, yeah, but mary and joseph got to raise jesus, that must have been nice. Yeah, except for the fact that the only story they tell about his childhood is when they left him at a temple and it took more than a day to get back. I read that as a parent go, yes, they messed up too, I'm not saying that I've forgotten to pick up my child from school hypothetically speaking, but it happens okay mary if mary and joseph forgot their child, I can too, okay, this is just cathartic for me, thank you. Um but While they were raising the perfect son of God, the reality was they raised him and they valued him and it says in Luke 240 that he grew, That that really that preparation period really prepared Jesus for his earthly ministry. He didn't actually start his earthly ministry until he was 30 years old. And so that that childhood time, the faithfulness of Joseph and of Mary actually led to the growth of Jesus here on earth and that actually prepared him for ministry. So even jesus as a child spent time in preparation, Then he starts his ministry and then in John chapter are actually in Luke chapter 10, he actually sends the disciples out to train them to prepare them. He didn't simply say hey watch me, I'm gonna do these awesome miracles and it stops there, he says no I'm sending you out, go out two by two and they come back and report and so he actually was training the disciples how to do ministry. So you've seen me minister now you go do it, you see this repeated pattern of watch me now go do it, watch me now go do it. And so we see this and then in John Chapter 14 verse 12, Jesus actually says and the things you've seen me do, you are going to do greater things than I and so he's actually preparing the disciples, he says, I'm gonna leave, but I'm going to send the holy spirit and I'm going to prepare you to go and do greater things than myself in the same way as parents, we long to see our Children to have more success and to do greater things than what we're even doing Andy Stanley puts it this way that sometimes the greatest contribution to life is not something you do, but someone, you raise this idea of preparation, legacy launching and and and helping someone grow right? And so he says, you're gonna do greater things than these. I've sent you out, I'm training you, but then he doesn't simply protect them because in john chapter 16 verse 33 he actually tells them, he says you're gonna face trials and tribulations of many kinds but take heart half piece for I have overcome the world. So jesus does not say, hey stay in my bubble and nothing will ever harm you. In fact, the reverse is true, Hey, I just give you the heads up. Trouble's coming, but don't worry because my name is Emmanuel meaning God with you, I'm with you every step of the way. The most commonly quoted psalm in all the bible psalm 23 though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, so God is actually promising his followers that trouble is coming. Are we doing a job of preparing our Children to handle conflict along the way or do we try to solve every issue for them? Right. It's this idea of preparation and so then he says, hey, trouble's coming, but you're gonna do greater things. And then in Matthew 28 verse 19 and 20 he actually gives them what's known as the great commission and he says go and make disciples, he is launching them into the world with the greatest mission in all of history Of which 2000 years later, we are still living out that vision and mission of Jesus and he's saying go and make disciples and so he's sending us out and then the rest of the new testament of the bible, you actually see people following out, training people up, sending them out, training people up, sending them out, training people up, sending them out as an example, you have paul who writes to the church in Ephesus and paul actually challenges the church and actually says the role of a pastor And Ephesians 4 12 is to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, to equip the Saints for the work of the ministry. And he says this in verse 12-15, he says, so that you can build up the body, attain unity and faith and the knowledge of the son of God to achieve maturity under the fullness of christ, he says the role of ministers and pastors is to equip the body so that we can serve, build, grow, develop under jesus. This idea of training, sending, training, sending, preparation, building up, making stronger then not only does he tell the church to do that, but the pastor of Ephesus at the time was a guy named Timothy. Timothy was seen as either a teenager or early 20s. Can you imagine a teenager running a church today? Yeah, there's laughter for a reason and gaps on the other side, like, it just would be terrifying. But yet this is the body that that actually started the movement we know as a church. In fact, paul writes in first timothy 4 12, he writes directly to timothy says, let no one despise you for your youth, but set the set the believers an example in speech conduct love and faith and impurity. And so he raises up timothy and then after that, then he actually encourages timothy to do the same thing that he just did one of my favorite verses in all the bible Second timothy 22 it says and the things you've heard from me and trust to faithful men who will teach others also. And so in one verse you see paul to timothy timothy two leaders, leaders developing other leaders and you see four generations and the reason the church has grown as much as it has today is because generation after generation after generation, family after family after family has raised their Children under the gospel and that they raised them up, trained them up and sent them out. And what I love about this picture of training and sending is that it comes through relationship and maybe you're sitting there like, well my parents didn't set a good example for me, but you could break the cycle of sin and you can actually start a new cycle to where generations will follow jesus because of your faithfulness right now in this moment. And so this idea of preparation over protection, relationship over rules is found all throughout scripture. So we see this idea of training and and relationship and loving, but but where where when is the time that we can actually discipline our kids. And this part is just a practical one, it's just one that my wife and I talked through and and work through as a couple. And so maybe it's helpful for for you guys as well. So I just want to share that with you that really for us we discipline our our young kids and we're in that stage right now. So that's what I'm speaking out of, but we discipline our kids in in one of four ways or because of four reasons. Number one, if a child is doing something dangerous, if if they're being dangerous, like if my my daughter is trying to run out into the road in front of a car, there's some discipline there because they're going to harm themselves. See Jesus does that to us. In fact in hebrews 12 6, he says those, he loves God disciplines. So discipline is actually a good thing. And so when a child is being dangerous, you want to discipline in that area. Next, when a child is being disrespectful, this ties in with our lesson last weekend. And if if you missed the message, you can actually go on our website and actually everything's updated now and up there and go to our Youtube. But when you want to create a culture of honor, it involves respect. And so you want to teach your child to be respectful, respectful of your home, respectful of authority, respectful of each other. So many of our worlds issues would be solved if we had respect for each other, right? And so you want discipline in the area Next is disobedient. When a child is being disobedient And that's a tied to relationship, Jesus actually says in John 14 16, he actually says, if you love me, obey my commands because love is best expressed, not when you feel something, but when you do something. And so obedience is not because of rules, but because of love. And then the last one, if I'm being honest, I'm saying that for a reason, I think possibly the most important one is when a child is being dishonest, because you can work through those other three. But if there's not honesty in the moment, there's no trust and there's no trust, there is no relationship. If you do not have trust in your relationships, you're going to question every single thing that that kid says, or somebody says, And if you're not in parenting mode, same is true in dating in marriage and friendship. If you cannot trust the person, you question everything they say. So you want to teach them young about being honest? So there's four categories for when to discipline a child. But and the difference is so like if somebody makes a mistake or somebody messes up or an accident, that if you're disciplining mistakes, if you're disciplining failures, you're now reinforcing rules, not relationship. But if you're disciplining obedience and respect and honesty, you're actually developing that relationship so that you can have a higher trust later. Does that make sense? So, if we know that it's about relationship, not rules, it's about preparation, not protection. Then how do we actually prepare our child to grow? How do we prepare them to launch into maturity, I want to share a passage with you as paul's writing to the church now, his context is actually to the church body, but I believe it also applies in parenting. And so these are marks of a christian marks of a disciple, but also gives us a framework through which we can look through development of a child. And the passages this in Colossians chapter two verse 6 and seven, and I highlighted the words we're going to talk about paul writes therefore as you received christ, jesus, the Lord. So walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in faith, just as you were taught abounding in thanksgiving. Notice that in your relationship it starts by receiving christ into your life, it starts by receiving christ into your life. And then you walk with him. This picture of walking is why I say it's relationship not rules when God created the world, he spoke it into existence, he created Adam Adam and Eve. What did Adam and Eve spend their time doing with God? They walked with him Walking is a picture of relationship, right? When someone gets married, they walk down the aisle, it's to become one. You're walking hand in hand, shoulder and shoulder, side by side together through life. When you, when someone is learning to walk, when a baby is learning to walk, it's the cutest little thing. Their knees are wobbling, you're like, right, and then again, you don't discipline them when they fall because you're learning, but what happens is you have to hold their hands, you hold their hands and then they take off for you from you for a couple of years and you're exhausted, but then eventually you get them back and then you walk side by side, see walking is a picture of relationship and all throughout scripture, we see phrases like walk in love, walking truth, walk in a manner worthy of the Gospel walk in light and we have this picture of walk because walking with jesus is a picture of relationship. And so once you receive jesus, once you walk with jesus, then paul gives us in this passage for things that demonstrate how we can develop or prepare our child to grow. The first thing is that it's a goal for parenting is to help your child be grounded, help your child be grounded. Are they rooted in christ, are you giving them a foundation from which they can see the world in our kids ministry and growth kids. We use a curriculum called Orange and that's because we, we connect yellow, which is the light of the church with red, which is the heart of the home and then together makes orange and so that's why we encourage you guys to bring your kiddos each week because we're disciple ng and training and teaching and helping reinforce what hopefully is going on at home as we teach our Children, we give them the foundation, the roots of scripture, the roots of what it means to be a follower of jesus, but then it says to continue walking him rooted and the second one is being built up and so that's actually this idea of growing, are they built up in christ, are you helping them grow, are you reinforcing that through what you say, what you show and what you encourage at our all pro dad's breakfast on thursday, we did a character study on the topic of positivity and it was super fun because we did a challenge of bottle flipping, which the kids got all excited about and so the first round um we had about 60 people in the room, the kids would bottle flip, but no one could make a sound, of course the one kid that was making a sound was my own son, but but it was just completely silent and so they would, they would lay on the bottle, they'd flip the bottle, lay it on the table and then silence and then there's nothing they did for a minute and they said okay dad's this time, I want all the dads to stand up and we're gonna pretend like it's the final minutes of the fourth quarter. And so when we say go you want to cheer your hearts out and we're gonna go crazy for every attempt, every try and if they land one we're gonna go nuts and so we said go and it just went in a library of all places went pandemonium? And the kids are like like like the dads are here like go, go go and the kids are high fiving and it's all over just slipping a little bottle onto a table and they ended up like doing it like more than twice as many times as the time before. And the only difference was encouragement. And so are you building life into your child? Are you building them up in christ are you encouraging the positive things? We tend to focus on what is wrong. But are we reinforcing what is right? What if instead of just emphasizing every time they made a mistake, you celebrate it every time they got it correct? Because when they make a mistake, chances are maybe it's 80% wrong. 20% right, 90% wrong. 10% right. What if you start out by celebrating that? 10% right. What if the only thing you could celebrate was you know what? Thank you for being honest with me, thank you for sharing that with me. You know what you tried right and you turn that positive attitude and you change that because you helped to build up something that you want to be repeated in their life came so they're grounded. Their growing third is that they're graceful? The 3rd is that they're graceful. Are they being established in faith? Are they do they understand what they believe? Are they learning why they believe what they believe? Do you exemplify what Grace and faith is into their life. Are you giving them something to grab hold of? Right, Because here's the issue for being real parents, right? We're gonna talk more about what it means to serve next week. But if everything is about them, everything is about them, them them, you can do this, it's your schedule, it's yours, Everything is about the child when they grow up. What do they think life is about? Yeah, but when you serve with them, when you give, when you have conversations and it just comes in everyday life, just the same day on thursday busy, we're going um, someone came up to me And was like, Hey, uh, you know, I need money for gas, I did this and and my skeptical side was, do you though, right? And and I saw it, but I saw the kids in the car and said, you know what, I'm gonna use this as a teaching example. And so we just put $20 and paid for gas for this guy's car. And then I got back in the car and my boys were like, well why'd you do that? And we got to have a 15 minute conversation right there. What does it mean to help someone, what does it look like it? And we have these conversations because they see it now don't get me wrong, I've messed up plenty, Okay, I'm the pastor that was leading a meeting and wasn't watching his Children close enough? Sorry sam, but I'm getting ready to leave the meeting and all of a sudden I hear a shout and my child pulled his pants down and was peeing on the playground waving to the parents as they did child pick up. Mhm. So I've had some fails. Okay, I've had some fails. Everyone was like, who's dad is that? And I was like, I don't know. So I've had failures and I've had mistakes, but am I reinforcing am I creating times? Am I showing grace and filling that up for them? And then the last one there is teach a child to be grateful, teach a child to be grateful. And that starts with us. Are we grateful for what we have In that verse that Paul writes, he says be abounding in Thanksgiving. That same word for abounding is the word used to describe the leftovers from the miracle of defeating the 5000, One of the greatest miracles in all of history, Jesus, 5000 people really with um women and Children in the mix. You're looking at closer to 20,000 people and they fed this off a couple loaves of bread and fish. And they even had 12 baskets of leftovers and they described those leftovers as abounding? That same word is used to describe abounding thanksgiving. Do we live a life of gratitude that allows someone to live that out and prepare a child of are you showing them what gratitude and being grateful really looks like it's not, you can't protect your child from everything as much as we'd love to. It doesn't work out that way. But what if there was a better way and instead of trying to protect your child from anything from everything, you try to prepare your child for anything and receiving jesus into your life and walking with their kids day in day out, you can teach them to be grounded. What does it mean to have roots, teach them to be growing? Are you building them up, teach them to be graceful to believe and then live that out on a practical basis and then teach them to be grateful. Are you living a life of thanksgiving? Because can you imagine right now the joy you'd have in your life if your child has grown up and they are grounded in faith, they're being built up in christ, they live a life full of grace and that they're thankful, right? That's living a life of preparation and launching them into adulthood and as the band comes up, I want to end with this is that time goes fast and I know it, they say the days are long and when you have toddlers, they're super long and if your kids in elementary school, I heard you know every month has about 30 days and May has 1000 723 it just seems like there's so many school things right, It's just like, man, we're just trying to get through, just, I just gotta make it, the reality is, the days are long, but the years are short and so what are we going to do to invest in our kids and prepare them for growth? See when little carter, my second one was, It was about three, I was tucking them into bed one night and um and it was a silent um personally because he talks a lot and I just asked him be silent, but partially because I was trying to get him to bed and it was just completely silent and I'm holding my three year old son and all of a sudden he goes, daddy, I hear you, I'm like what buddy goes, daddy, I hear you and and I was like, I didn't think I was talking, was thinking out loud, it's like buddy, what do you mean? And he hits my heart goes, boom, boom, boom, boom boom boom daddy, I hear you. What would it look like if you draw so close to jesus that you would hear the heart of God, what would it look like if you drew your kids close enough to hear your heart for God, if you want a healthy family, it's about relationships, not rules, it's about preparation, not protection, but let us remember that every child, I was a child of God and more than you love them, God loves them. And so whatever stage of life you're in, you can put their lives entrusted to him.end_time