we've made it a pretty regular rhythm and tradition for our family that at least once during the winter we take our kids up north to enjoy the snow for a few days. And so it's been a lot of fun to take our kids up play in the snow and go sledding. And so a couple years ago we were getting ready to go up to Flagstaff and, and my middle son carter came out to me and goes, alright dad, I'm all packed. I was like, really? Because we had suitcases out and stuff and he came out with a little backpack on and uh, and he has a little background shoulder like ready to go and I'm like, really okay. Um, that's awesome. I love the initiative. Can I can I see what you put in your bag buddy? He goes, sure. And he hands me the bag and I open it up and inside we got a stuffed animal. We got some a couple of action figures. We have a block, a building block. Why 1? Not 2? Not 10? I don't know. But we have one. We had a video game controller, not the system, but the controllers in there. Um, I think we had like a granola bar and uh, and a piece of strength. And so it was in. And so this was what was needed for the adventure at hand. And he seemed ready to go. And I said, so you don't, you don't need anything else buddy for the trip. He goes, nope, I'm ready to go. And so I figured experience as teacher. And so I said, all right, well I trust him. And so we went up and he didn't have any clothes and boots and he was cold for the week, but you know, he learned a valuable lesson, right? I didn't do that. Okay. Some of you are looking at me like I did that. But um, so you know what? I love the initiative in that moment. He really had no idea what he needed for the journey at hand. And sometimes I think we as christians are just as humans for that matter. We approach relationships and preparing for relationships. Like my son packed for that trip. We think we know what we need and, and I feel like God sometimes is like you have no idea what's ahead, do you? You have no idea how to be ready for that relationship that you're walking into. You think that by looking out into the world by by seeing something on social media or reading a magazine article or, or just hear from a friend that you know what to expect. And the reality is we don't, thankfully God does. And he actually gives us the key to healthy relationships. And so that's why this morning we want to share a message with you called the key to a healthy marriage. Now, no matter what stage you find yourself in life, whether you're in a married relationship dating relationship, maybe just wanting a relationship or not in one or maybe you have a family or friend who's in one, the reality is this, that no one ever wakes up and goes, you know what? I wish my relationships were worse, You know, I just wish I could have some, have some more resentment in my life. You know, I want a little bitterness with my coffee in the morning and uh I just want to be a little bit more angry, you know, it's just things are too good, like no one's ever said that ever, right? Because no matter how long you've been in a relationship or longing or even friendships or in community, like we all could stand to get a little better and if we're being honest, we all have no idea what we're doing from time to time. And so it's cool to to know that the word of God speaks practically into our lives and I believe what we're going to walk through today actually gives us the key to healthy relationships, but I want to preference it because the passage we're gonna read today is a little bit controversial. It was controversial back then, and it's actually controversial now, but it was controversial for very different reasons, which we'll get to that in just a moment. And so because this is a little bit of a tricky passage, a little bit of a sticky passage for our culture today. I want to take a few moments and give it a little bit of context. So, first let's chat about the biblical audience of this day. So paul is writing to the church in Ephesus, it's a city that's a trade city, it's educated, they believe in different gods, there's a temple, there, there's a lot of crazy stuff going on in this church forms. And Paul is writing from prison, he's writing out to this church that helped start 10 years prior. And so he's addressing some issues and this letter is going to be circulated to different small house groups um there in this city. And what's interesting is that present in this group is really a melting pot or mixture for all of society. And so he he starts the letter talking about how our identity shapes our activity and he calls people saints and adopted and redeemed and forgiven and made alive. And he talks about the power of the Gospel and that we are his workmanship created for good works and how we can know a love beyond knowing the height and the depth and the width and the breath of the love of God and a god who can do immeasurably more than anything we can ask, think or imagine. And then in chapter four, he moves into this idea that therefore in light of everything we've seen walk in a manner worthy of a calling to which you've been called. And so he's gonna start to get more practical and more practical and say, okay, here's where the rubber meets the road or maybe they didn't have, you know, wheels and stuff. So here's where the boat hits the water or the hoof hits the ground. I don't know, the chariots hit the fire. And so um you go and say, here's where it really plays out and there's no numbers or headings in the original letter. And so we have to think about the fact that it is a constant letter that he's writing to a group of people and as he's addressing different groups of people, their present, most likely in the room. So husbands and wives, parents and Children, even masters and slaves. The church is the one place where all these people are together and he's addressing them with equal value. And it's pretty incredible that he does that. And so he's riding in this context and we pick it up here in Ephesians chapter five verse 15. If you don't own a bible, we'd love to give you one as our gift to you on the way out. But in the meantime we have the verses here on the screen and so we picked this up and it says here, Ephesians five, starting in verse 15. Look carefully. Then how you walk was about to say is, hey, be careful, there are landmines everywhere in your relationships. It's like walking into a room where your kids just played with legos, right? Like be careful one wrong move and that little piece can take your life hurts. Why does it hurt so bad? Okay. Um and so he's saying be careful how you walk. This is the main phrase here. Why do we need to be careful? Can you tell us not as unwise, but as wise, Making the best use of the time. Why? Because the days are evil, therefore do not be foolish, but understand the will of the Lord is and then do not get drunk on wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the spirit. So he is describing a life of a follower of jesus and now he's gonna get specific so okay, what does it actually mean to be filled with the spirit? And it gives us four things here. He says addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. This is the idea of speaking truth to one another. Then he says singing and making melody to the Lord with your with your heart. We just did that collectively as a group. Right? So you're speaking scripture to one another, you're singing with one another. This is a passage on worship. Okay, It says giving thanks. There's number three, giving thanks always and for everything to God the father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. And then number four submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. So we have this picture of submission to one another and we're doing this in light of the gospel. So your vertical relationship with God as directly connected to your horizontal relationship with man. It's similar to like breathing in, breathing out. You can't do both, or you can't do both, you need both. I'm saying like you can't just do one or the other, you can't just breathe out only you can't just breathe in only it is it is directly connected in the same way your vertical relationship with God is directly connected and reflected through your relationships with others. And so he's so he's writing here that if you want to have a spirit filled life, it starts by submitting to one another at a reverence for christ. So here's the setup in our biblical context in a biblical audience. But second, let's chat about our audience today. Here's the reality is that we live in a world with a lot of movements going on. And some I think are going well being motivated from this idea of liberation and value and equal worth and treatment of people equally. But then others are saying truth is relative and in context doesn't matter. And so now just make a cause and you better you know, you believe whatever you want to believe and and we make these claims under the under the context of love, but it's not very loving really, and there's no foundation. And so what I want to share with you today. It is it is an interesting passage and I want to actually give you permission to disagree with me? You're welcome to? But I want to offer a caveat that I want you to go further. And that is if you disagree or even if you agree and you question things, I want you to ask yourself what is my foundation for my work view because everybody has a base or a foundation or a platform on which they're standing. And for me, it comes down to that. I choose to stand on the word of God. And if and I can't go through the word of God and say, well, I don't believe that. Why? Because I don't like it. It doesn't work that way, right? If I've read scripture that's been wholly inspired, but then also holy and illuminates our spirit and mind? If I read scripture and I don't like something who's most likely in the wrong me or God me. If you created the universe and you're sustaining our entire existence, you predicted your own death and then you rise again, defeating death itself, providing the way of eternal salvation for everyone who call upon your name. I'm gonna use that as a foundation versus I don't like that. Or well, I read an article somewhere where someone said something like it doesn't work that way. If if kids, I didn't obey parents simply because they didn't like something, how would that turn out at the end? Not very good. And so I want to, I do want to give you permission to push back question everything. But when you push back, ask yourself what is the foundation of it? Is it just feelings? Is it emotion? Is that a personal experience? Because those are valid, but they're not ultimately truth. And so if you base your your opinion, not just on how you feel, but what is true? And if you and if you go past maybe the initial pushback, I think you'll find the key to what God has for us. And the second thing I want to say when we jump into this passage today is that we tend to read the bible for other people. Have you ever done that? You read a passage and you go, oh, I really wish they heard that right? It's the elbow nudge. When you hear a point you hear that um I was reading scripture today and God showed you this, that showed me this, but showed you this, right, and we are. And so here's here's the challenge though. The challenge is when you read scripture, can you read it in light of what has God called you to do? So paul is going to address wives. He's going to address husbands. It's interesting to note that Husbands get three times the many as many verses as wives. I don't know if that's telling our on our ability to pay attention, but he just says wives. Here you go. Alright, you got it? Cool guys. Here it is. Here it is again. No. Are you listening? Are you even listening to me? Here? It is one more time. And so we get three times as many verses. But may we read this in light of what God has challenged us to do within our responsibilities. And so before we even jump into the word, I want to just kind of give you my main thought here to understand where I'm coming from. And it's this healthy marriages and healthy relationships for that matter. Make submission. Their first mission, Healthy marriages and healthy relationships make submission. There. one mission. Its submission to God and then submission to one another. It's both. And there's no I in team. But there's actually two eyes in submission. And that's important because both people have to choose. Both people have to choose. And submission is not saying you're of lesser value. Submission is not just saying, you know, inferiority or things of that nature, but rather it actually starts with recognizing collectively that we are humbling ourselves before God and we're being jesus to the other person. Because healthy relationships and healthy marriages make submission. The first mission. Alright, let's jump into it. Well, that's a lot of setup for the passage. But you're about to see why we did that. Alright, we're gonna jump into it picking it up in verse 22 wives submit to your own husband. Lord. That's all I got All right. See you guys, it's been good. It's been fun. You can see where that could be a little bit of a trigger for people, can't you wives admit to your own husbands. It doesn't say submit two to every male. It says to your own like it's a personalized context. But even reading it, especially in our culture today, we're like, I don't like that. What's weird though is in the biblical context. This wasn't the controversial part. This was the predominant culture of the day. The fact that he was even addressing wives in this context was interesting. The fact that he was actually then challenging the husband's next was even more interesting. And we see Christianity actually recognizing and identifying the strength and the value of women right from the very beginning. We're going to see in a few moments he's getting all the way back to creation and so he he continues on here says this is this is about your attitude and and and serving It's verse 23 for the husband. Well, I'm gonna pause for a second. What gets mistranslated. Sometimes we're misunderstood about this verse in verse really, 22 is that in the original manuscripts, the word submit is actually not even found in that particular verse because the verb is used from the previous verse. And so in some of the early manuscripts, it reads submitting to one another in reverence for christ comma wives, your husbands. So as an example of submitting to one another. We see this. And so we've taken one verse and go ha to matt And people go in extreme one way and and go on a power trip and they say do this, do this. I say so and if you're in a healthy relationship that doesn't work. Look, I married up, I made a very strong intelligent woman and I understand from the beginning that what's mine is hers and what's hers is hers. And uh and you know when I want, when I want to share my opinion, I asked my wife what it is and then I go back no, I'm kidding. But no, I I married up, I tell people that God blessed me and blinded her and it's awesome and I'll take it. And I mean she just finished up grad school and I was trying to, I couldn't even help her study, like I couldn't even read the pronounce the words in the questions to even ask her to help her study. And she would start telling, oh look what I learned today. And she would go and all these words had like 18 syllables in them and I'm like I have no idea. what you're saying right now, but you are so attractive right now. And uh and we go through and you know This verse gets taken in so many contexts. So so some people take and go, oh listen up getting nine and then people take it because they have a bad experience and go to the other side and be like no girl power, what are you talking about like and then the extreme and like all guys are stupid, we are, but give us a chance and so um and so like you know we have and there's an extreme other way but neither of which extremes actually stopped and said okay, what reflects jesus, because when you connect the verses together, you see that the ultimate picture of submission is actually jesus, jesus submitting his will in the garden right before he was crucified, he's praying, what does he prayed to his heavenly father? He says not my will but yours be done and in the church under authority of christ himself, there is a humble posture and so now we continue reading and it says for the husband is the head of the wife, even as christ is the head of the church, there's a picture of its not saying the same, it's a picture of it because there is no way husbands can fulfill the exact role of jesus because we mess up all the time, it says is the head of the church, his body and is himself its savior. Now as the church submits to christ so wives should submit in everything to their husbands and there is a respect and a difference that comes from humble submission but what happens is a lot of times guys read that pass and go ha he's not talking to guys, he's talking to the ladies in the church who are saying look there there in the church and say, hey what do we do? And it says starts with humility and service and sacrifice. And then he turns to guys in the room and as I read the letter and this is the controversial part of that day and he turns to them and he starts to speak to them and he says, no husbands love your wives as christ, loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that he might be holy in without blemish. You're saying guys in the relationships are you being jesus to the other. See, jesus did not use power to lord it over someone, but instead chose to humbly serve and sacrifice himself. That means that guys, we need to go first, we need to lead the way in generosity and sacrifice and serving. And that this picture is hand in hand together. This is a picture of what marriage can be and should be, not always a picture of, of what it is in reality. And so usually I find when I'm talking with people who have pushed back to this, they understand that they're only seeing one side of the equation and that ladies the call to being submissive to your husband works when the role of the husband is to lay down his life and every need and every decision to lift up the needs and experience of their spouse. And so he's saying, hey guys, think about how jesus gave up his life for the church, are you willing to do that? And he knows that some people might not resonate with that? So then he takes it a step even further and more personal. And it says in verse 20, in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He's speaking in a day and age where women were treated like property and paul's actually writing says, no, they're just as good as you, they're of equal value. And even if you like mess up and you're like, you're like, I'm not gonna be jesus, okay, but how how would you treat yourself, what kind of grace would you give to yourself? What kind of respect would you give to yourself? Because in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself And for no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourish and cherishes it just as christ does the church because we are members of his body. And so you see this concept of being filled with the spirit come into play, submitting to one another, out of reverence for christ wives submitting and deferring to husbands, but husbands also sacrificing and serving your wives and it's out of this mutual submission to one another that you see the gospel glorified. And now he's about to paint a picture to elevate the view of marriage. You see our culture that we live in, views marriage as a series of just of transactions and you walk into a situation and you have a series of expectations. All right, if I walk into this relationship, I have this box, I want you to do this, this this and this and passed right and stand and put it this way. It's like it's like you have your whole box and when you get married, you go here. The issue is the other person has another box and they go here. But rather than exchanging boxes of expectations, you dump those into the same box along with all your baggage, All previous relationship, hurt expectations, betrayal issues, struggles and things that you went through as a child. Things you went through as an adult, trust issues, doubt addictions, struggles, everything. And so everything gets mixed in together and people sit back and go okay, you better come through and paul comes in, he says, no, it's not about you. It's about jesus And he elevates it and he continues on in verse 31. Therefore, a man shall leave his wife shall leave his father and mother And hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound. The mystery of women is very profound. Okay, sorry, that's what I thought when I first read it, I was like, ah that makes sense. The mystery. I had no chance from the beginning. Um no, he's not talking about that. He actually goes further. He says this mystery, this mystery of marriage, this mystery of the gospel actually is referring to christ in the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband, see what he did there is he took this social contract, this legal connection that our culture makes it like, oh yeah, just sign up, get the warranty if it doesn't work great, get a new car, Okay, like that's how we treat it. And he, he actually elevates marriage. He says, no, this is so much higher than that. But when relationships are at their best, they reflect the gospel of jesus christ and when the world sees a healthy relationship, they should see jesus. And so it's it's beautiful, it's incredible and it happens when we take that step, that healthy relationships and marriages make submission, their first mission. Now, many of us watching or listening to this right now have experienced some level of Brokenness to the process. And so I'm I'm not here to, yeah, we break down or make anyone feel bad about anything in the past because I think you've probably walked through enough if you experience betrayal, if you experience question marks, if you've done something and now you experience shame, whatever that level is, we carry that into the current relationship and so we have all kinds of questions and so what I wanna do is when you get to that point in your present state and your present relationship with and where you find yourself. Now, I want you to ask yourself three questions. Okay, we'll call this relationship inventory questions. I want you to ask yourself and self reflect where you are currently. Can you answer these questions honestly? First question to ask yourself is that as is your relationship spirit filled and spirit led where a lot of people in our culture really disconnected things, they take a verse man and they go one of two ways and they disconnect it from the fact that it's actually an expression of what it means to live a spirit filled life on your best day, relationships are hard on your best day, relationships are messy because we're messy, but you have the power of the Holy Spirit in you. If you are laying everything at the feet of jesus, if you're laying your your marriage at the feet of jesus and you're praying to God for the Holy Spirit to fill you to breathe out and and to be the holy spirit to be the, the jesus figure in the relationship to to be that example, then it's possible you're talking to the guy who's writing the letter, who is the least likely person to be an apostle. In fact, just two chapters earlier, he said I am the worst I'm writing. What could be as being the worst and if there's hope for me, I promise you there is hope for you. Are you being spirit filled and spirit led? Second question is this, do you focus more on your expectations or the others experience? And we talked about that that we enter relationships and we have a list and we don't, maybe we don't verbalize the list, but we all have one and we said bang wrong. Okay, see if they do that, but take a situation, any situation, if your first thought is, why didn't he, why couldn't she? If only they did this, they always do that you see or the focus is outward. I've shared this before. But the definition of frustration is the gap between expectation and experience and when you put your focus on your expectations, the other person might not even know what those expectations are and if they do, we are a hot mess as a human race. And so we're probably going to break them. And so you get two people focusing on their own personalized expectations, how the other person is breaking you can see where relationships break down, but if your first thought is how can I elevate their experience? How can I meet their needs, connect emotionally with them, serve them. You know, healthy relationships really are a race to the back of the line, because isn't that what we want? Do we want someone to know us fully and love us as we are, to wake up in the morning and someone's thinking about you, right? So is your focus on your expectations or the other person's experience? If you start the other way, it changes how you think and it changes what you do? And lastly, the question I want you to ask yourself is your relationship reflect the gospel in your daily reality. Could someone look at your relationship and go, yep, there's jesus or well they look and go, yep, that's just like every other relationship I've seen, if someone knew nothing about God, but they knew you as a couple, would they ask questions about jesus? Here's the thing too, you don't have to be dating or married for this? If someone looked at your life and how you treated people, would they see another set of missed expectations or will they say man something's different. This is why your marriage, your relationship is your greatest opportunity to show the light of jesus because this is not what our culture teaches today, get what you want when you want, however you can, if it doesn't work, move on. The paul comes in and says no be jesus submit one another and if you do that in reverence for him, ladies, if you if you defer to your husband and trust in leadership of that husbands. If you make it your goal to sacrifice and meet the needs of your wife and you see this mutual submission and sacrifice for one another for the glory of God. That spirit filled spirit led. Yeah, this is when lives are changed, marriages are made and the world sees gospel, will you pray with me? Dear heavenly father? We come before you in. I just want to pray for the marriage is right now in our church, Good chance people came in this morning fighting or we'll go home and fight this afternoon. This is what happens because we do that as people and God, I don't stand here perfect, I don't stand here trying to pretend to be something that I'm not But God in 15 years of marriage, all the ups and downs, what I know to be true is that when I've read your word and tried to do what it said, when I tried to attach my spirit my mindset to your heart in your mind. God, when I try to get my vertical relationship with you and an understanding of your grace, it made it a whole lot easier for me to walk in grace and to live that out on a practical basis. So God, I pray for the relationships in this room right now. Whatever stage they're in, whatever they're walking through I pray that they would submit to you first, that they would be spirit filled and God, they would make submission their first mission so we can love and serve one another and give the world a picture of what the gospel really looks like. In practical terms. I pray for forgiveness were needed. Gotta pray for hard conversations were needed. I pray for joy and love and purpose and service that comes where it's needed. God and as you gave us a picture of what it means to love one another, as you told us to love one another, as you have loved us, May you be our picture and our goal and our method. At the end of the day, may we be jesus to one another as a church, we love you God, thank you for your grace, your son's name. We pray Amen.